I have considered all the things I wanted to write about today…
I have stared at the screen and watched the cursor blink a million times…
I started typing words that fell flat, and then proceeded to delete and begin again… only to delete again.
This has been a very interesting week. This next week is shaping up to be a doozy of its own. This week, I have grappled with wanting students to be more concerned about their education; wishing my budget included a few more dollars and few less bills so that 2014 does not end up as tight as 2013 did; and fighting a losing battle in a war where I really need my Savior.
I find myself hungry. Spiritually. I need my Lord. I crave His presence. But there is so much noise in my life that I can’t hear Him. I don’t feel Him. And it leaves me broken and hungry.
With the coming of the new year, I have revisited my short list of big dreams. These dreams have been with me for some time and always seem just out of reach. I see others achieving these dreams, and I find myself wallowing in envy. These people– these dream achievers– speak about having defining moments with God where they hear His still, small voice. Then, they just know… and their dreams fall in place.
Right now, I feel my life is like a racing like a freight train. I want to be able to sit in silence and commune with God, seeking Him for answers and having time to wait and listen. But that is a luxury I have not experienced. I am left aching with want for Him.
Am I chasing Him, with God always just out of reach? That is the way Angie Smith describes it in her new book, Chasing God. No. I think I am more like the child who stands in the middle of the department store, completely lost and separated from its parent, wailing loudly at the top of my lungs hoping HE will come to ME.
I know I am not alone. I know there has to be others out there who have experienced or are experiencing what I am… and I wonder what it looks like on the other side and just how to get there…
January. A new year. A fresh start. Lord, I know you are here. I am begging You to help me feel You. I am begging You to speak to me above all the noise in my life. And in my weakness, be my strength to listen. Not only to listen… but to hear You. I need you, Lord.