The truth is…
Sigh… It has been a hard night. Hubby is sick, and not up to talking… But I don’t think this is something I feel quite comfortable sharing with him. Funny how I don’t mind putting it online, though. Ha!
Sin is bad. It tears away at the heart, soul, and mind of a person. I spent the last year battling my mind… Battling the devil and his wily ways. I survived, with God’s help… But I am not who I was. Some of that is good… Some, maybe not.
Sin has lasting repercussions that you can never get over or get rid of. And those repercussions do not stay in a nice little box that is only shared by the people involved. That sin sends out waves of repercussions that washes over people with no direct involvement. People who didn’t want to be involved, but the sin has included them anyway… The devil’s wily ways. My sin should have been my own. Mine and Allen’s. It, unfortunately, hurt and punished our families… But what’s worse is how it went outside the walls of our houses and is now completely out of my control.
I’m rambling… Sorry if all this doesn’t make sense. Allow me to shed some light.
Allen was our choir director. Ann and their daughter sang in the choir. When they left, our choir was left feeling very empty. We have a new choir director… He’s wonderful, but not the same. People are leaving left and right because he isn’t as fun as Allen was or they aren’t feeling the worship since Allen left. Even my own Big Girl is grumbling about how much she misses Allen, Ann, and their daughter in choir. And I am at a loss.
My sin caused this. Because of my sin, a family left the church leaving a huge hole in our choir and our congregation. People are missing them enough that they have actually left our church to follow them. Sigh. I can’t fix that. God can… But He isn’t. Which leads me to believe He has something better coming… Or maybe His Will is not to fix it. But it leaves me feeling broken and horrible.
My pastor, who was so very wonderful to both Hubby and I as we picked up the pieces, has changed too. She had to shoulder a lot of burden when Allen left, playing both pastor and choir director, all the while searching for a replacement. I saw a bitterness come over her that would only show itself during high stress times (which were happening more and more often). People have seen the change in her demeanor and are beginning to talk about removing her. If that happens, I think I will completely break.
The worst part is that I was feeling healed. I was!! I have been missing Allen and Ann, and would actually have to remind myself that I can’t call or email or text… Remind myself?! It seems odd… But it’s true.
My church is hurting. Maybe it was there before the Sin, but my sin has made it worse. And I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t fix it. All I can do is pray and trust God. He knows what is best. Even still, I feel the guilt would be overwhelming in ways I can not imagine. Even worse than what I have already experienced.
I’m sorry. I want my blog to be about the trappings of sin and God’s redeeming love. This seems more like a pity party… Which is really where I am at right now. I completely trust that my Heavenly Father will make something beautiful out of the pain… I just wish we didn’t have to experience the pain… No, I wish other people didn’t have to experience the pain. It is my burden to bear, no one else should have to suffer for my sin.
There will be a powerful testimony from this test. And I will do my part in writing it, giving God all the glory and honor. He is, after all, my strength and my redeemer.